College Prep with Emmett
by Little Orange Frog
Summary: This is a tribute to Emmett and his genius ideas. It is summer and he decides to teach a college prep class to prove to Jasper how smart he is. BH
1. Great Idea

**Disclaimer: Mrs. Meyer is a literary genius whose characters I do not own. **

**EmPOV**

It was the beginning of summer. School had just gotten out, next year Bella was gonna graduate, and me and Rose were home from "college"

"Hello world! I'm home!" I barged through the front door excited to see my loving family; I was greeted by several annoyed vampires poised throughout the living room staring in my general direction.

"Guess what? We're back from college!" I yelped as I crashed onto the couch next to Bella and Edward. He shook his head and stood up.

"Emmett, you've been on vacation with Rose for the last three weeks." his sardonic intonation cut through to my very soul.

"Well aren't we just a bottle of sunshine." I replied smoothly. Man was he pathetic. I knew where I had been. I had been to College. I had seen things no vampire had seen before. I had heard what no vampire has heard before. I had danced like no vampire had danced before.

Edward rolled his eyes at me, took Bella by the hand, and ascended the staircase to his room. My brother could be so moody at times.

"Did you miss me Mommy?" I asked Esme, smiling as Rose shoved her way into the cramped space surrounding the door where we all stood; her arms overflowing with luggage. I didn't understand why she had to tote those stupid hair dryers everywhere we went.

"Yes I did Emmett," Esme cooed. "Give me a hug." She pulled me into her strong arms. She always missed us when we disappeared for more than a few months. Rosalie took one look at the happy scene, snatched up her suitcases, and flew up the stairs. She was just jealous. I looked around then and noticed Alice was nowhere to be seen.

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. What if they were plotting to overthrow the Association of Cat Lovers? What if they were plotting to overthrow the Association on Emmett Lovers? I heard laughter upstairs then and wondered what was so funny.

Wait! Maybe it was just part of the plan to overthrow my people. The laughing got harder so I pranced up the staircase to investigate. The sound was coming from Alice's room. I opened the door to find….. (insert dramatic pause) Bella sitting in the middle of the bed, surrounded by florist pamphlets. Alice was lecturing Bella on the importance of flowers, and Edward was snickering to himself. He was truly odd.

"I'm laughing at your thoughts." Edward said coolly. "Do you really have an association dedicated to people who love you?" I nodded, confused.

"Why wouldn't I?" I asked. A scary voice sounded behind me then.

"Emmett!" I whipped around to see Rosalie fuming in the doorway, blocking my path of escape. "Emmett, what did I tell you about the fangirls?"

"That they're not pretty and that you wish they would go away? Actually you said a lot of things about those girls that attacked me that I really shouldn't repeat."

"Emmett," her voice was strained with forced patience. "I said you are not supposed to pay them any attention. Are you married to them?" She held up her left hand then, to display the shiny band on her ring finger. I just waited to hear the answer to her question. I had learned that it was best to keep my mouth shut when Rose asked questions like that.

"NO EMMETT! YOU ARE NOT!" Her voice was loud and I resisted the urge to put my hands over my ears. Instead I nodded, no longer confused. With that, she left to go polish her hairdryers and I took leave of Alice's room. I decided I would go visit my virtual friends that lived inside the computer. As I booted up the outdated computer that set in Carlisle's office I wondered why everyone thought I had been on vacation. I was fairly sure we had gone to college.

"Hey Carlisle," I yelled. He was in the room within seconds a worried look on his face. "Your computer's outdated. You should buy a new one." He put his hand to his forehead and plastered a fake smile on his face.

"This computer is only a year old." he said. I nodded as if that was the point. He sighed and left the room muttering something about "lock for the door". I pulled up my favorite chat room and started typing away at the keys.

**JAZZ288: **I'm reading this book called Withering Heights. It's supposed to be a classic, but it's kinda boring.

**ANGIESTAR85: **I read that book. I cried at the end. It was so sweet!

**JESS_987: **I cried at the end too! Like OMG! It was so emotional!

**PRINCESS-EMMY: **Like totally! I cried too!

**JESS_987:** I am so excited! I have dance camp starting in a few weeks!

**MIKES_2_KOOL: **I'm going to Cali in a few weeks.

**ANGIESTAR85: **I'm going to a college prep class that starts Friday.

**JAZZ288: **I'm taking mine online.

**PRINCESS_EMMY: **College isn't that hard. I've been there B4.

**ANGIESTAR85: **Well maybe you can help us then.

**JAZZ288: **LOL. That would be funny to watch.

**PRINCESS_EMMY: **You guys should have more faith in me!

**MIKES_2_KOOL: **Hey, where is Bella going to college at?

**JAZZ288: **I think she's going to the University of Alaska.

**MIKES_2_KOOL: **Is Cullen going too?

**JAZZ288: **IDK

**PRINCESS_EMMY: **G2G. bye bye!

I signed off quickly and stumbled down the stairs. My idea was brilliant! Sheer genius! I found some envelopes and a roll of stamps. I snatched up Esme's address book and went back to the computer. After pulling up Microsoft Word I typed as quickly as I could with out making mistakes. At long last I had found my calling!

**Sorry 'bout the cliffhanger, but don't worry, I'll write another chapter. I know this chapter is short-ish, but it's mostly a filler to lead up to Emmett's great idea. Also, in case you were wondering. **_**PRINCESS_EMMY**_** is Emmett. **

**Please review! Please! Please! Please! **

**Okay, BYE!**

**;)**


	2. Batman!

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight or any of its marvelous characters, the batman-spork phrase, or the Jaws theme song. Kudos to Mrs. Meyer.**

_After pulling up Microsoft Word I typed as quickly as I could with out making mistakes. At long last I had found my calling!..._

**EmPOV**

I was sitting on the floor of the kitchen folding the letters I had so neatly typed up into origami. I had finished like, three.

"Emmett, what are you doing with Esme's address book?" Rosalie's prying voice sounded from the hallway.

"Nothing," I chimed inconspicuously as I hurried to shove the handful of envelopes under the stove. She walked in then and scrutinized my face. I smiled at her brightly which seemed to upset her. Her careful eyes swept the room, looking for something out of place. When she found nothing, she walked across the room and leaned against the refrigerator, trying to subtle.

"Emmett, what are you hiding from me?" her voice was dangerously soft and I knew I was in trouble. "If you are trying to get I touch with those messed up fangirls again Emmett, I promise you I will see to it that you die a slow and painful death." She smiled then and I smiled back.

"Don't worry I'm not." I said, trying to reassure her without giving away my fabulous plan. She waited, hoping I'd say more, and when I didn't she huffily stalked to the door.

"If you can't even trust me, your wife," her voice broke on the word wife. "Then I'll just get Edward to tell me your thoughts." A smirk played across her face as she marched off to find Edward. I almost felt sorry for her….almost.

I could faintly hear her threatening Edward from the other room. As I yanked out the letters from under the stove, Bella burst through the door and glared at me.

"Emmett, why is Rosalie screaming at Edward?" I shrugged non-committally and she started growling.

"Why is Rosalie yelling at Edward?" she said again, anger starting to seep into her voice. I shrugged as she stormed out the door. Why was she so worried? The worst that could happen was that Rose would force Edward to read my thoughts and I would have to go into hiding.

With sudden inspiration, I leapt from the floor, supplies in hand, and raced to Jasper's room where he was chatting on Facebook. He looked up as I crashed through the doorway and went back to his website.

"Can I have a hug, _brother_?" I cried happily as I sat down hard on his bed, knocking his laptop to the floor. He glared at me and slapped me in the back of the head.

"What do you want?" he asked frostily as he picked up his precious computer and began stroking the top of it, murmuring things like "are you alright my precious?" I started laughing and he elbowed me hard in the ribs. I took a deep breath and began my mystifying speech that had taken me all of ten seconds to come up with:

"Oh brother, you are so kind to me. I am humbled in your presence and I beg an audience with you and your lovely laptop." He growled at me, but I continued undeterred. "Brother, you have seen me through thick and thin, and now I beg rights to ask a favor as your humbled servant. I know that I equal little in the eyes of you and your precious laptop friend, but I plead to you in a time of need."

"Emmett, stop with the drama and tell me what you want." He barked out in a cruel manner. I sighed depressedly and fell to my knees on the floor in front of him. Before I could say anything, he started screaming.

"ALICE! ALICE, HELP! Emmett's acting really weird!" he screeched horrified. I realized then that I was kneeling before him and I hurried to stand up.

"No I'm not! Now stop screaming!" I hissed placing my hand over Jasper's mouth. Alice danced into the room then and raised her eyebrows.

"It's not what you think! I was asking a favor!" I yelled hastily. Her sharp eyes stared at me incredulously as I waited for her to go away. A smile lit up her face and then a felt Jasper's _tongue_ on my hand. It was disgusting to say the least. I jumped back, releasing my hold on is face.

"Uhhhh!" I screeched. "Jasper licked me!"

"You shouldn't have had your hand over my mouth," Jasper answered defensively. Alice sighed exasperated.

"Jasper, please don't lick Emmett." She shook her head as she muffled another giggle.

After Alice left the room I turned on Jasper. He was cowering beside the bed, murmuring unintelligible things to his computer.

"What did you do that for?" I asked. "I just wanted to ask a favor! Gosh! You are so weird." Then I started to creep towards him slowly, humming the Jaws theme song. He dove under the bed as he flung his computer at me.

"Take Judy instead!" He yelped as I dodged the flying laptop. I started laughing as I dodged the piece of junk.

"Hey Alice!" I called down the stairs. "Jasper wants to talk to you about _Judy_!" And with that I went off to find Esme.

I scurried down the hall to her bedroom where I found her working on this weird cross-stitch-thing-a-ma-jig. She looked and set her cross-stitch-thing on her lap as I walked in. I smiled as I folded myself on the floor beside her.

"I need help. I'm a man on the run, an outlaw." She nodded.

"And what is it you're running from?" her sweet, motherly voice questioned. I took a deep breath and decided to tell her the whole story.

"Rosalie thinks I'm trying to reach out to my support group when in fact I'm mailing my friends letters because Jasper called me stupid. So Carlisle's angry 'cause I called his computer outdated, Bella's angry 'cause Rose is on Edward's case, and Alice is angry 'cause she claims I was "harassing" Jasper. Which means that if they form an angry mob, then I'm in trouble." I concluded my sob story by stand and walking to the door. She looked at me for a moment and smiled.

"Well my dear, perhaps you should go outside for a while. Maybe get some fresh air." I nodded and left her to her cross-stitch-thingy.

I headed to the kitchen to find a spork. Yes a spork, because when in doubt a piece of cheap plastic will always make things better. I rummaged through the cabinets and drawers until I found a spork buried beneath the place-mats. I bent the middle of the three tines and did my best batman pose, holding my spork up to the light.

"My spork thinks he's batman!" I declared to no one in particular, and then I was gone. I swooped out the back door and hopped over the fence that surrounded Esme's cemetery….er, garden. I thundered through the trees happily, my hair whipping about my head heroically. As I neared the road that led to our driveway I spotted Newton's car barreling through the undergrowth. He slammed on the brakes when he saw me and rolled down the automatic car window.

"Emmett? Is that you?" He peered at me dubiously (Oh yes! I, Emmett the great, can use such words as _dubiously_ and make them sound kool!) for a few seconds before I answered.

"My spork thinks he's batman!" I screamed as I ran off offended. He should have known better than to speak to me in such a manner! After all, he was just a wimpy human and I had a spork as a best friend. In fact he was probably jealous of my fork. He probably was going to join the angry mob now, in hopes of taking away my one true comrade.

I would have to be careful from now on, eating what little I could find in the dark of the night, with out so much as a flashlight for fear to guide me of being found. I could imagine the wanted-posters now. They would say things like _Emmett: wanted dead or alive! Call Rose, Bella, Jasper & Judy, or Edward if found._

I shuddered at the thought. What had the world come to? I scanned the horizon hoping to see a hollow log in which I could shelter the night, when all of sudden I heard Esme calling my name.

"Emmett! It's getting dark! Come inside!" with that I took off towards home, swooping in through the window with my trusty spork. As I entered the hallway, glass breaking around me in little shards, I did my batman pose again and said the magic words.

"My spork thinks he's batman!" They just stared. And then Edward started laughing, no big surprise.

_Oh no! _I thought. _I forgot to mail the letters while I was playing batman!_ And then Rosalie was there, her hands on her hips, glaring. _Uh oh._

"Did Edward tell you what I was thinking?" I asked innocently. She just kept glaring; her unwavering gaze was unnerving. I couldn't stand it any longer.

"Alright! I give! I was mailing out invitations to a college prep class I'm teaching!" She seemed kind of surprised, but kept her expression in check. Then Jasper started giggling. We looked into his room and he was lying on the ground rolling around. If he could have, he probably would have been crying too. Rosalie just shook her head and sauntered off to find Alice while I skipped down the stairs to set the letters on the kitchen table so they could be mailed tomorrow.

**Yay! I posted another chapter! I hope you guys liked it. I'm open to suggestions and recommendations if ya'll have any.**

**Also, can I get 3 reviews? Just 3?**

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	3. Mr Dude and the Pulverized Flowers

**Hey! So I got 5 reviews! Yay!**

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Thanx to ****Kylie****, ****x-rosepetals-x****, ****catherine-moonlessnight****,**

**jamstar4eva****, and ****Alyce-Cullen****.**

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Ya'll are the best!**

**So, I guess I better get on with the story.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight, Bella would not be Edward's girlfriend/wife……I would be! MWHAHAHAHA!**

_Rosalie just shook her head and sauntered off to find Alice while I skipped down the stairs to set the letters on the kitchen table so they could be mailed tomorrow. _

**EMPOV**

At first light I snatched up the envelopes and my trusty spork and headed out to my Jeep. As I clambered into the front seat I realized I had forgotten to water Esme's flowers. She and Carlisle were busy debating the climate trends of eastern Canada so I thought I'd be the good son and help out with her cemetery...er, garden.

I ran to the side of the house and grabbed the water guns. I then proceeded to violently remove the weird green things on Esme's plants. It was a hard task. The green stuff was literally clinging to the stems and I finally resorted to beating the parasites to an oblivion with the blunt end of my weapon. Good, now the plants had water and the bad things lay in heaps on the ground.

I put the water gun back, pleased with myself for helping. Now they would all love me! I got back into the jeep and sped off to the post office.

When I got there the guy behind the counter gave a creepy look and it was then that I decided he was a "dude". Not the good kind of dude, but the bad kind. Like a bum, only creepier. I handed him the stack of envelopes, careful not to touch his skin.

"You need stamps on these, dude." he said waving them in my face. It was then that I remembered I had forgotten the roll of stamps on the kitchen table. I had gotten sidetracked last night making a stamp mosaic on the under side of Esme's coffee table and it had slipped my mind this morning. And for him to even compare me to a "dude" like himself was preposterous, so I decided to play dumb and give him a hard time.

"What are stamps, Mr. Dude?" I asked pushing the envelopes away from my eyes.

He looked at me for a minute and said, "They're these little paper squares that go on the envelopes idiot."

"Can they be made of cloth?" I questioned, smiling wickedly.

"I don't know?" He said sarcastically, as if he thought I was incredibly stupid. So I consulted with my spork a moment.

Then I ripped Mr. Dude's shirt off and shredded it up into tiny squares. I proceeded to lick the squares and stick them to the envelopes. He screamed and ran off so I shoved the envelopes with "stamps" into the little blue box and ran. I got back into my jeep and sped home without a backward glance. It was incredibly exhilarating to disobey every single traffic law ever written, so I enjoyed it while I could.

When I got back Jasper was standing on the porch laughing. What was it with my brothers? They were always laughing; and at the stupidest stuff. I put the jeep in park and hopped out of the high-up cab. My brother kept laughing as I sauntered up and posed like Batman. (I'm telling you, I looked like a flippin' awesome superhero!) So anyway, as I approached him like the cool person that I am he stood up.

"Hey! Whatcha laughing at?" I asked clueless.

"Mom's gonna kill you! Ha, ha, ha! You tore up her flowers so bad that she's been dry sobbing all day. I would feel really bad for her, except that the what you did was so incredibly stupid I can't help but laugh." and he kept laughing. He was glaring at me violently at the same time. It was a really weird combination and I had wished I had had a camera. Talk about Kodak moment.

So I said "Whatcha mean? All I did was water them and violently massacre the unsuspecting bugs!" I'm not sure why but Jasper laughed harder.

"Dude, those were the leaves and buds. You killed her garden!" and then he walked away. What was it with people calling me "dude" today? They kept saying it in a bad way, and believe me, I am so not a bum! I'm the most un-bummest person you ever met, so yeah!

Anyway, I was confused and stuff so I went into the house and I could hear tearless sobs erupting from the garden. I got kinda scared since my spork was still in the jeep. Much better to face this with my trusty spork. I turned around then and Rosalie verbally assaulted me.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! IF YOU WERE OFF MAILING LETTERS TO THE FANGIRLS AGAIN, SO HELP ME!" Whoa! What was her deal?

"No, chillax Rose. I was mailing letters to Mike Newton." Her face got real angry then. I'm not really sure why.

"WHAT?!?!?! YOU'RE SENDING MAIL TO **NEWTON**?!?!?!?! IS HE PART OF THE FANGIRL MOB TOO?!?!?!?!?!" She seriously was gonna explode one day and she would have no one to blame but herself.

"No, see I'm teaching this college-prep class because Jasper thinks I'm stupid." I explained hoping she wouldn't go all –crazy-vampire-chick on me again.

"Jasper called you stupid?" she asked angrily. "And I bet he thinks you're and idiot too! JASPER WHITLOCKE HALE!" oh man! What was with her today? She was acting like Bella when Bella's on sugar high or PMSing. Then Rosalie was gone up the stairs and I heard Jasper scream.

"Oh HALE no! Not my computer!" he screeched. I had never realized how girly Jasper screams before then. I mean he was all _ahhh! _And Rose was all **GRRRRR!**

I picked myself up off the floor then and headed out to the jeep to retrieve my spork. Finding it behind the passenger seat, I headed back to Carlisle's study so I could find Esme and learn whether my demented brother, who was now writhing in pain because of Rosalie, had spoken the truth.

"Oh Carlisle?" I called as I bounded into the room. Alice was shrieking about ice-cubes and credit card accounts, but I didn't care. Carlisle smiled warily as I went to sit on the weird blue sofa near the window.

"Is Esme mad at me?" I asked pouting. Pouting was always a good way to get what I wanted. If that didn't work, there was always a ticked Rosalie to use against people. Then I heard someone laughing.

"Hey! Shut up! I'm having a mature conversation with Carlisle!" I screamed and the laughing got harder.

"What ever you say, dear brother." Edward said between giggles from downstairs. "Just don't sick a ticked Rosalie on me! Anything but that!" he cried in mock horror. He was so mean. Then I heard a loud whap and smiled when he stopped laughing.

"Maybe that'll teach you not to eavesdrop on my head!" I called smugly. I heard another whap and Jasper stopped laughing too.

"Emmett, I _listen_ to your _thoughts_, I don't _eavesdrop_ on your _head_." Edward called matter-a-factly. He was such a jerk. I heard a third whap and all noise from Edward ceased.

"Ha! You tell 'em Rosy!" I said loudly, smiling. Then Carlisle started tapping his fingers on the desk in a sign of impatience.

"Oh yeah! How come Esme's mad?" I asked more quietly turning my attention back to my father-figure. (and everybody thought Edward was the only one who could use that phrase! Ha!)

"Um, Esme is with her garden right now…" he trailed off nervously. As if on cue a shrill wail erupted from the garden and I jumped up, suddenly afraid.

"What happened?" I asked confused. Carlisle just shook his head so I decided to go find out. I hurriedly left his office and instead of taking the stairs, I jumped over the banister of the stair case and landed on the sofa, snapping it in half. I then proceeded to roll around on the ground like they do in all the cool spy movies. I barely noticed that Edward and Jasper were pointing at me and saying "Ooooo! Look what he did!" until Rosy slapped them into silence.

She sure was sexy when she was mean like that, but I didn't have time to think about that right now; I was on a mission! I leaped over the kitchen table and smashed through the back door dramatically to find Esme bent over her flowers sobbing dry tears of anguish.

"My flowers! My true source of happiness! My inspiration! Why oh why is the world so cruel?!" she wailed desperately. I went to kneel beside her, and as I did so I noticed that someone had tried to glue the remnants of the carnivorous green things back onto the plants!

"Aha!" I cried. "So this is why you're so upset! Don't worry! I'll kill the bad green things with my spork, yet again!" I lunged for the dead flowers then, but Esme leaped up then and dove in front of me, shielding the crumpled corpses with her body.

"Don't touch my flowers!" she spat as I took a step back. Whoa!

"Why are you mad at me mommy?" I asked sweetly. "I was just trying to get the icky green things off your flowers." her facial expression changed suddenly and she started to laugh. I figured I was forgiven so I laughed with her, not really getting the joke.

"Emmett, those weren't parasites, they were_ leaves_. That's the plants food source." I stared at her, not really grasping what she was saying.

"So I starved them?" I asked, confused. She shook her head, holding back a round of hysteria.

"No, you pulverized them with your water gun, but if you had just stripped them of their leaves, then yes, they would have starved." she smiled and then her face got real serious. "Speaking of water guns, yours will be confiscated for the next month. Starting now." Oh great. She had officially entered full Evil-Mommy-Mode. Well then I figured I would have to retaliate.

"But Mommmmy! I don't wanna get my water gun taken away!" Her stern eyes bore into my head.

"It's my best friend!" I shrieked pitifully. She still didn't waver. I bowed my head and trudged around to the side of the house to get my one and only ally. I begrudgingly handed it to her as I gazed at my lost water gun with sad puppy-dog eyes. What a cruel and unjust world it was when I couldn't even have a plastic friend to kill flowers with!

"Now, go tell Rosalie that if she doesn't lay off with that magazine then I'm gonna take it away too." With one last look at my water gun I went inside. Bella and Edward were at the kitchen table. I loved to watch Bella eat, so I grabbed a chair and sat down.

She blushed as I stared at her and concentrated her eyes on the grains of the table. I smiled. It was so funny when she got embarrassed over the stupidest things. Edward growled and rolled his eyes.

"Just ignore Emmett, Bella. He's gotten his little toy taken away so he's looking for someone to torment," Edward said softly. I laughed.

"Misery loves company," I commented and Bella smiled a little bit and went back to eating her food. Whatever it was it looked awful.

"Its cucumber soup, looser." Edward smirked, looking at me. Hey, looser was better than dude. I left them alone then, I figured Jasper might want to play tea party.

"Oh Jaaaaaaaaaasssssssssspppppppppperrrr!" I called deviously from the bottom of the staircase. I decided to give him a ten second head start. "Ten, nine, eight, one!" and with that I took off up the stairs.

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**So there you have it. Another fabulous chapter, written by yours truly. Hope you enjoyed it.**

**I know it's been awhile since I last updated. I could give you an entire list of excuses, but I'll spare you the time.**

**I'm really not sure when I'll update next, but I appreciate everyone who has read my story.**

**FYI: I've changed up the first two chapters ever so slightly as of 4-3-09.**

**I reread them and realized some things needed to be revised.**

**I bid you adieu now, my faithful leaders.**

**:)**


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